Will The Real Victim Please Stand Up

*NOTE* All scripture passages taken from The Scriptures 1998+ unless otherwise noted.

It’s amazing that there are people who claim to serve Elohim, even love him and yet they do not love others. We can see in their words and actions they do not love others. They continue to talk about their former spouse in a demeaning way, never realizing their own short sightedness.

And why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the plank in your own eye? Or how is it that you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the splinter out of your eye,’ and see, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you shall see clearly to remove the splinter out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

This article will not cover all scenarios, it will only cover some and is in no way intended to be exhaustive or indicative of all situations.

In most cases relationships begin to fall apart when someone gets demanding. The woman usually is nit picky, points the finger a lot and wears her man or husband out to the point they have grown weary of her constant judgmental and critical attitude. She continues to instigate the problems that exist in her relationship (men can do this too by the way) and when the man reacts badly because he has grown plain tired of her ill behavior she points the finger all the more. She doesn’t realize the result of the decline in the relationship is due to her own ill behavior.

They will continue to dish it out, but the moment they are told anything they cannot receive it and try to reason why the other person would say that. Trying to determine they had a bad motive, etc. With their critical spirit they continue to tear down and destroy everything that has been built in their relationship. They wreak havoc on the other person, continuing to point the finger as they destroy them.

They claim they have become a victim because of what the other person has done to them and because of the other person’s words and actions. They don’t realize the result of their own actions has returned to them. They victimize others while claiming they themselves are the victim. They run others down, creating the mirage that the other person is bad and they themselves are good and were victimized by the other.

The one claiming to be the victim is actually the abuser, all the while claiming their spouse or former dating partner was the abuser. Telling about all the help they need, not realizing the log they have in their own eye.

Narcissistic abusers are great at charming people they want to impress, or those people they want to get on their side. When they have targeted an individual for abuse, they will stop at nothing to turn their friends, colleagues, even their families against them and it’s not at all uncommon for them to claim that THEY are the ones being abused.

Those who have been turned against the victim by the narcissist are called flying monkeys. They may or may not be narcissists themselves, but they are duped and misled by the narcissist’s convincing lies and charm into believing the narcissist is the real victim and that the victim is the abuser.

Though the words they’re using say, “I’m afraid. Stalker. Scared for my life.” Their behavior says something else. They’ve studied their true victim long enough and know the dark deeds they’ve committed to be able to twist history to use a convincing choice of dialogue, placing themselves in the position of the “Poor person who had to deal with YOUR shenanigans.” They’re able to take conversations you’ve had previously and articulately add / detract from them just enough to appear as if you were behaving as a crazy person.

In any abuse situation, there is almost always more than just two people involved. At the core are the victim and the abuser, of course, but chances are good the abuser has convinced other people–including friends and family members of the victim–that the victim is the real abuser, and recruited others as flying monkeys that collectively condemn and mob the victim. The abuser may have even convinced a mental health professional or pastor (or anyone else who works closely with a family) that the real victim is the real abuser, effectively turning everyone against the victim, so only the narcissist appears to have allies and the victim has no one.

If you are currently being victimized by an abuser, this knowledge may be the only way to be able to tell that you are actually the abuse victim and not the perpetrator, since chances are, your abuser has convinced everyone (including you!) that you are the one at fault. Hold onto this knowledge and remind yourself of it as you begin to disengage. Hopefully, knowing that you are NOT at fault and the narcissist is just a convincing liar will give you the motivation you need to get away.

Some have called it Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), Trauma-Associated Narcissistic Symptoms (TANS), or Post Traumatic Narcissism Syndrome (PTNS). However, none of these is an official diagnosis. It is sometimes referred to as “the vampires bite” because it really saps the life out of you.

Because narcissists don’t think or feel like we do, it’s really not possible to establish a mutual relationship with them. And because we can hardly help but expect them to respond in ways similar to our own, their dissimilar reactions can confuse and surprise us— at times, deeply upset us as well.

Psychological murder can take many forms but the type I’m really referring to is of a covertly narcissistic and/or sociopathic nature. It may be too difficult for some people to be able to comprehend but it does happen and I’ve seen it happen.

Although victims go through what can only be described as being dragged through hell backwards, narcissistic and sociopathic abuse via heightened communication is so difficult to pick up on the human radar of perception that the victim is usually left scratching their head wondering “is it me?”

The abuser never quits abusing and the victim’s self-esteem gets worn down to the core until they go through a process of devaluation, dehumanization and dissociation. The victim has been made to feel that they are nothing in this world, they now have nothing, they now have no meaning and nowhere to go and nobody wants them any more except for the narcissistic/sociopathic abuser who can now use the victim as their emotional/mental slave. The narcopath is now their God.

The process is so subliminal and it happens very gradually. The victim knows that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would probably continue to ruin the rest of their life or future relationships anyway and in many cases after the partner has left, the abuser continues to drive them crazy gradually destroying their reputation, their life and their soul – often referred to as soul murder.

The concept of narcissistic abuse has received a significant amount of media attention over the last year. People are beginning to connect the dots in their own lives and some are asking themselves, Am I in a narcissistically abusive relationship?

You know if you are one of these people when you can pinpoint the moments of toxic oppression, suffocation, devaluation and flagrant disregard such that you choke on the ache of its memory. Yet, you wonder how can I have this with the person I love?

The unfortunate reality for people in these relationships is that the inevitable harm continues without proper professional intervention. The domestic abuse expressing the narcissistic characteristics, must be parsed out from the characteristics themselves to effectively break the cycle.

What makes narcissistic abuse so dangerous is that it is often not recognized as abuse.

Mental health professionals are only now beginning to research and understand what Narcissist Victim Syndrome is, although survivors have been speaking about it for years. Narcissistic abuse is primarily psychological and emotional (though victims can suffer physical abuse as well) and since these abusers employ very covert and insidious methods to abuse their partners, they are able to escape accountability for the abuse because of the false persona they present to the outside world which is usually a charming mask that hides their cruelty.

Survivors often blame themselves for the abuse, not being able to put into words what they’ve experienced. Once they learn the vocabulary of narcissistic abuse, they are armed with the tools, the insights, and the resources to heal. Learning the language and techniques of these predators means that we are better prepared to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism or antisocial traits and that we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse. It means we can set appropriate boundaries with others, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives.

Narcissistic abusers can attack at any given moment, using their choice weapons of sarcasm, condescending remarks, name-calling, and blame-shifting whenever they perceive you as a threat or whenever they need entertainment in the form of an emotional reaction. They can also use their nonverbal language in the form of a sadistic smirk, the cold deadness in their eyes while professing their to love you, their bored, sulky looks or their cruel laughter to bully you into believing that you are inferior to them.

Narcissistic abuse is insidious because the abuse is covert, cunning and indirect. Narcissists go to great pains to avoid being observed publicly as being abusive. The Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde behavior creates fear, distress, confusion, inner turmoil, and chaos for the victim. The constant ‘walking on eggshells’ and attempting to avoid further conflict can be crippling. To complicate matters a narcissist is rarely medically diagnosed and often goes undetected in society (home, work, organizations, and social settings).

For whatever the reason the victim entered the Dance of the Narcissist (a behavior known as Co-Dependency) so that in the dance there was both: 1) a pleaser/fixer (victim) and; 2) a taker/controller (narcissist/addict).

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Confidence may be so low that they have trouble making simple decisions. They will not be aware that this is caused by an abusive technique called ‘gaslighting’. Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. With gaslighting, the victim initially notices that something happens that is odd, but they don’t believe it. This moves to defense as the victim fights against the manipulation.